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<article>
<p>
Nearly everyday I sleep, do shit on my computer and read at home, and go to
work. It's just the same cycle only broken when I skateboard and go on
hikes alone. I no longer talk to my friends from high school and my current
classes I get done mostly online. All the people are asleep when I am awake
since I am a night walker. Somehow I have managed to keep a very small
number of friends though I am uncomfortable talking to basically anyone
else. Online I just get my ass banned. Clubs and groups I use to go to
out of my life and people I once knew gone. Meanwhile I move on like
nothing happened. My entire social life been just moving in and out of
spaces. I never bother create a good image for myself because nothing ever
lasted long. Yes, I am talking about irl as well. This was a habit of mine
long before I went online. In school each year I would be around a
different group of students. Inside my body is an entity and all it thinks
is intrusive thoughts. There isn't really a me just entities passing in and
out. Nameless faces forced to take on the same name and face. A crowd of
ghosts all yelling nonsense pilots a meat puppet. I tried to <i>find
myself</i> and found there is no <i>myself</i>. No start and no end to the
micro universe of the geist. It moves into frame like a endless piece of
video film. Time trails off in a similar manner. The entities wait in line
for their turn. Forever it goes in all directions.
<br /><br />
Why are my thoughts so upside-down and mellow gray? Shapes deposes and
recomposes into what the entities decide. When I let go it vibrates the
ancient tones. Follow it where it goes. When a pet runs off the places it
will go may be quite interesting. Follow the loose dog. This is what it
would do without you and the lease you put on it. This is how you play the
prehistoric overtone instrument. Information provided doesn't make sense
without its given context.
<br /><br />
Over there is something scary. I don't see anything over there or hear
anything but I know it's there. It stares me down with its invisible
eyes. It knows I am here just as much as I know it's there. It's not mad
just on edge like me. Careful I must be passing the cold air. The inanimate
objects warn. They are passive aggressive indeed. This is the passage of
time. Blood on the film. Spiny the film wheels go. Now that is over and
something new started. I don't control the waves, I nearly do my best to
surf them.
<br /><br />
When talking to normal people I feel the disconnect between our
worlds. Their table of relations is carefully shaped. They associate
between objects and ideas the way they are meant to for compatibly with the
greater system. They are cells in a body and I am a cancer cell. Not enough
cancer to be a threat. The immune allocated the resources needed, nothing
more and nothing less. I am alive and not arrested or locked in a mental
hospital because the immune system found alienation to be plenty.
<br /><br />
Privilege is often misunderstood, it's not simply just having more:
privilege is when your effort matters. A powerful engine isn't going to
move without wheels. A lot like how a *puter depends on IO. A powerful
*puter is nothing without IO. Some people are given better IO than
others. When a powerful person makes a order it will likely happen though
when anyone makes a order not much will happen. The system gave their words
more weight. The system demands you meet their demands or get
punished. They are given a giant mech with lasers while many don't even get
their own free will. What happens if your below the below? That's me. I am
socially f grade. Very bottom since I am a cancer to the system. Not even a
deadly cancer, just a simple task for the immune system.
<br /><br />
Why should I be nice towards those who only cause me pain? Their reason is
simply due to social norms. Why should I be obligated to treat them
decently when they are out to get me? I been labeled a cancer and pushed
into depression. My dreams of feeding my curiosity rendered
unrealistic. Harmless things I want to do rendered bad by everyone else. If
harmless things I want to do are bad why should I retrain myself from doing
harmful things to those people? Every example of nice things done by
normal people just seem so fake. Social norms are a table curtain hiding a
table covered in knife marks and blood. Why should I not take a saw to the
table and destroy it all? The only thing someone has to do to not get
chopped is move out of the way. Though they will not move.
<br /><br />
A part of me feels bad for those I hurt even if they hurt me. Those in a
glass houses shouldn't throw orgies, though often times I do anyways. I
can't fulfill any ideals, instead I constantly faze from manic to
depression. I am in no position to say what this world needs though I do
anyways. I give advice I don't follow myself. I am saddened by everyone not
taking me seriously though why should I blame them after what I do? Though
the thing is I know even if I was more serious I wouldn't be taken
seriously anyways so I don't even try. I am depressed not because of what I
do, it's due to what I know.
<br /><br />
I would say sorry for anyone I have hurt for any reason but sorry is a very
fake seeming word. It has lost all it's meaning. It's a word used by both
those who mean it and those just trying to safe guard their image. The
thing is I don't know which one I am! I guess what I mean to say is
<i>Schrodinger's sorry</i> for anyone I have hurt psychically and/or
mentally irl and on-line.
</p>
</article>
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