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<article>
<p>
I woke up in the night and now its morning. I sip my coffee even though its
night to me. Outside the sun is rising and in my garage the turntable is
blasting rock 'n roll. I open the door so I can look at the morning sky
while I sip my strong black coffee. Life just been a tunnel of depression
with no light at the end. If I look close enough I see a light still. Is it
real or a trick of the eye? I dont fucking know! Though regardless it
brings a sense of hope. The summer is over before I could even blink. The
night I spent surfing the interwebs, writing emails, and listening to
records. Lately I been really digging softer music since I been a
emotional mess. When I was younger I didnt care for songs about love
though now I eat up that shit like a girl going through her
period. Something about most peoples deeper feelings seem builtin. Like
they were born with some electric chemical response. I was born a fucking
meat robot. Death and pain didnt faze me. All I really cared for was
exploring the world and engaging my interests. The second something got in
the way was when I started caring. That happened quite a lot. Turns out
society wants people who are smart enough to do what society wants but not
smart enough to question it. Understanding not just the what but the why is
my reason for existing. Over time these deeper thoughts about conscious and
the universe softened me up and showed me to care for others instead of
view them as npcs. Ok, so on this site in the reading corner check out my
book concept Rat Race. No link because fuck you (:
<br /><br />
Ok, so all the normal feelings we all know are what I call high level
feelings. They are all the result of association. The brain is a
association machine. It uses <i>signal pathing</i> to associate different
types of information. Think of it like a rendering pipe line sending binary
data through different components to turn raw data into a 3d scene. The
brain works similar but on a electronic chemical level and in a more
flexible manner. Think of it like turing complete. Well anyways feelings
start out on a lower level. They start out not as the names and faces we
gave them but as associated information. As the brain looks and listens to
the world around it that information gets routed through a association
network to compare concepts and match them up to memories.
<br /><br />
If you dare to trace your way back through the network, figure out not just
the what but the why you may not always like what you find. There is a
cultural induced association where knowing how something happens makes it
more bland. Nihilism, science, evolution... are all associated with killing
the magic of the world. This doesnt have to be though. Some of Darwin's
favorite animals to study were ones most people found ugly and boring. He
spent his time on islands most found ugly and boring. Ugly and boring wasnt
how he saw it. There is much beauty to find in more abstract things. Even
ugly and boring animals have amazing stories behind them. Surface level
thinking is one of the biggest things enforcing hierarchy and upholding the
dictators of the world. Democracy depends on people who know what the fuck
is going on. Everyone wants to vote for the loud, good looking, cults of
personality while the people who can actually run a government dont even
make it into the race. Many people depend on religion to feel greater
meaning. As tough as feeling small in a large chaotic seemingly random
world can be maybe its one of the most beautiful feelings if everyone had
the heart to help each other through it instead of cover it up with lies.
<br /><br />
What sucks is when you stop associating things, when you make it through
the network only to find it was all pointless. People, places and things
break down to the components they are made up. A car breaks down to bolts
and nuts. A person breaks down to organs and cells. Soon enough your left
looking at atoms. Your stuck asking yourself "what the fuck is this fucking
atom thing?!". Universe legos indeed. Legos are made up of plastic, plastic
out of oil, oil out of dino bones... atoms. Than what the fuck are atoms?!
You drift through life with these questions floating in your mind. It
starts with why bother living when you can kill yourself. It soon turns
into why bother killing yourself if your going to die soon anyways. A life
time isnt that long. One day you will wake up in your death bed. No
memories worth looking back at, no one around to care if your dead or
alive, nothing completed and nothing to complete. Just another nights rest.
<br /><br />
With many ideas floating around in my brain I often need something to be
happy about. I have gone off the deep end. Multiple times people online
have told me I might have schizophrenia because I guess autism, adhd, and
depression wasnt enough rolf. The voices arent that bad regardless (: Still
though, I take it with a grain of salt due to the fact my favorite author,
Kurt Vonnegut was misdiagnosed. Deep thoughts tend to blur the line between
the ideal and the material worlds due to the brain is just a dialect
between the two. I drink too much coffee (: What am I happy about you ask?
The people in this world who feel real. May be close friends or just random
people you meet in real life and online. Sometimes interactions with
strangers can be just as deep as interactions with people you have known
for years. Maybe thats the real reason everyone says "dont talk to
strangers". When your a little kid its unsafe but as you grow it turns into
a glass wall. This keeps evil systems of power in place. Enough people hate
it to take it down yet no one talks to each other. The wall protecting the
system isnt one of brick or metal. Its a social wall.
<br /><br />
Make sure to shower, brush your teeth, wash your face... Take good care of
yourself you smelly fuck! Sadly I havent been following my own
advice. Rarely do I ever follow my own advice. Anyways bye byes until next
time I write one of these (:
</p>
</article>
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